Through my teen years, I struggled with invisible pains and symptoms that, at the time, seemed unrelated and incredibly confusing. But I “looked healthy” because I was really thin so doctors said it was “growing pains” or “stress.”
By the time I was in my 20’s, I began to develop new symptoms that weren’t so invisible. I began to gain weight and nothing I did or didn’t do seemed to make a difference.
Doctors were baffled because the results of blood sugar, cholesterol, and heart tests (and every other test you can think of) all came back healthy. In fact, one doctor said he had never seen someone look so unhealthy on the outside, yet be so healthy on the inside at the same time.
They referred me to another doctor. Then another. And another.
After several years of misdiagnoses from well-meaning doctors, and receiving nonsensical opinions from others, I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (“PCOS” for short) and a slow thyroid.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve lost most of the weight (and still losing) and have even had 3 children, which is something I was never supposed to medically be able to do.
Clearly, God had other plans.
Although God supernaturally healed my womb and has allowed me to now live pain free, He didn’t heal me completely.
There are some symptoms that have lessened.
There is one that hasn’t budged at all: weight gain.
I gain 5-10 pounds out of NO WHERE for absolutely NO reason. It’s not noticeable to other people, but it’s maddening to wake up in the morning and have to dress a little differently to cover up extra “fluff” that wasn’t there the day before. A few days will pass and I go back to “normal” …well, as normal as you can be with an incurable endocrine disorder.
I have to remind myself everyday that God doesn’t see me the way I see myself. Go here to read more about this.
Sometimes God doesn’t heal.
To be clear, I am a firm believer of divine healing through the workings of the Holy Spirit. There are some who believe supernatural and miraculous miracles from Holy Spirit no longer exist, or never did.
However, I have experienced healing outside of medical or scientific explanation several times, I have seen it happen in other people’s lives, and I’ve been involved in praying over someone who received divine healing. Because of this, I cannot dismiss the work of Holy Spirit in this way.
With that said, however, sometimes God doesn’t heal. This is not because a lack of God’s goodness. It’s because it may not be His plan.
Even the Apostle Paul spent his entire life with something that God wouldn’t take from him:
7Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” ~2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Our “thorns,” as Paul stated, are also not to be seen as “proof” God lacks love.
God has already demonstrated His limitless and unfathomable love by sending His son, Jesus, to die on a cross for our sins so we may have eternal life. This is all the proof we will ever need of His love. Read John 3:16 here.
When God doesn’t heal us, this should not only be a reminder that this fallen planet isn’t our home, but that life is precious and it should rise up within us a hunger, a righteous desire to share the love of Christ to those who do not know Him before our time on earth is through.
The “thorn” becomes part of our testimony.
If we experience healing, we have a personal experience to witness that God’s continual power is still at work in a world that doubts His existence.
If we are not healed, we can be a powerful witness by worshiping Jesus in spite of not being healed.
All suffering can be used to help minister to someone going through the same circumstance.
Our testimonies have power.
There have times in my life when I experienced a healing, either emotionally or physically, that defied all logic and medical reasoning. These have become part of my testimony so I may not boast, but to boast about what Holy Spirit has done in my life.
11 They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. ~Revelation 12:11
When God is working through our life we must speak up and tell the world. This is part of the reason why I started writing this blog. God told me to tell the world that He is alive, still active and working, and is pursuing each and every one of us.
If you have a testimony of how God has worked in your life, share it with someone.
You never know how your words will help another person going through a secret pain.